Who do I want to be?

I feel no shame that I got this title from MTV's Awkward. It's a great show okay? And an even better question. I've never been one to accept that people are who they are and can't change. Change is difficult, but it can be done. With the right amount of will power and self-awareness, you can become whoever you want to be. I've been working on this for the past couple years now. The image keeps building and changing as I learn more about life, but I think it's good.

So anyway, I adore this question. Who do I want to be? Not what job do I want because that doesn't have to define me like I used to think it did. My job will be a reflection of my values and skills but not of me as an entire being. Who do I want to be as a person? Here's a list with some things already achieved and some still there to be accomplished:

I want to be somebody.....

.....who isn't afraid to make mistakes by learns from them. I'm a perfectionist in a scary way. I can't handle failure very well. I lost a kid at camp and even though I knew she was safe I had a panic attack because I hated that I had failed at keeping them all together. I want to let myself make some mistakes here and there, but instead of beating myself up over them, I need to embrace them and learn from them.

.....who does something even if she's scared. In Game of Thrones one of my favorite quotes (well sort of more like paraphrase) is "you can only be brave when you're afraid." This resonated with me. Sure it's easy when you have a sure outcome, but when you're scared and you make yourself take that first step, that's when you're truly being brave and that's who I want to be. I don't want to be the one that everyone has to turn back around for because I couldn't keep going. I want to bite my tongue and push on like ...like I don't know someone brave. Like Arya! Or some other warrior! Break the rules when it feels right and don't fear the outcome so much. Be brave! Have courage!

.....who doesn't judge others. I have a bad habit of this. I worked so hard to get where I am, but I also had a few gifts. I'm lucky my mind works so well, and I'm lucky to have people to support me in a tough spot. So it is very horrible of me to judge someone. I don't know their life and I don't know their struggle. I can only know myself and my own capabilities, and I should do the best I can to keep an open mind.

.....who never lets her sight be clouded by negativity, jealousy, or pity. These are all human emotions that happen, but sometimes the negativity just poisons the mind and creates a permanent state of bitterness and cruelty. I don't want that. I want to be able to bounce back from the dark places I go and come back to enjoying the light again.

.....who trusts people. I have trust issues for sure. I would like to be able to give people, and myself, the benefit of the doubt every once in a while.

.....who has the confidence to be herself. I'm tired of being so insecure and comparing myself to other girls. I'm me, and there are certain qualities that I may not have but I definitely make up for. I have to be able to stop slouching, stop doubting, start speaking and dancing on my own.

.....who doesn't ever forget just how amazing or lucky she is and is thankful for it every day.

.....who lives her own adventure and doesn't stop dreaming EVER.

These are just a couple things off the top of my head, but I hope I can achieve them and more in my life.

My Most Important Lesson Learned in Korea

I've been abroad going on maybe 6 months now? South Korea has definitely been an experience, and while here I've definitely been learning some things. From my friends, I'm learning how to live. Before I got here, my main obsession was to not mess up, to be perfect. Other people could mess up but because my family has a history for failure, I did not have the same luxury. But being here and meeting some of the people I've met, I feel more relaxed and have been paying more attention to the normal life things like fashion and friends and drinking. From Korea itself, I'm learning to be more patient and accepting. Maybe I don't want to live here forever, but I'm going to learn all I can from this place.

But the most important lesson (personally at least) is that I don't want to be stuck. I've been racking my brain, as we all do, trying to think of that one job I want to do for the rest of my life. And it has been difficult, especially since I'm going to have a lot of debt to pay back. While I've been here, I've come to this realization that I can do so many things as long as I stay on top of paperwork and applications. Maybe I want to do research and maybe I don't. I think this final thesis will help me decide that. But just the thought of seeing as many places as possible is so exciting to me now. Because it's real now! I'm in Korea! I'm abroad! 

So I want to check out TEFL courses. I want to get multiple Masters degrees instead of one PhD that I'm not going to use because I already knew that I didn't want to be a professor my whole life. I want to teach English while paying off my student debt. I want to try my hand at writing the occasional article or two or giving presentations here and there. I want to inspire myself so that I can inspire others. One day I'll find a place and time where I'll decide it's about time to set up a permanent residence, but that does not have to be anytime soon. I have years ahead unless I die young. But in that case, shouldn't I die doing as much as possible or in a beautiful new place? I don't want to die in my safe but insufferable job or in my plain American apartment, trapped by debt and responsibilities. I'll pay my dues while seeing the world. This is my most important lesson learned in Korea: my future is not set in stone or some straight line and it can be whatever I want it to be.