My mom and my sister are both very beautiful people. My mom is so tiny and has naturally tan skin and a skinny but pretty face. My sister is tall and knows how to wear clothes and carry herself and has the prettiest smile. Both of them have confidence that I lack. They have a confidence that it wont take "the right kind of guy" to find them beautiful, and when I walk down the street with them it's like I've become invisible. When I'm with my beautiful, redheaded friend from OSU, I feel the same way. It's like I disappear beside her. Now I have a friend here in Korea with this natural Latina beauty. She has this perfect style, weight, and way of talking.
It has always been an issue that when I like a guy, even at a glance or just a passing by sort of thing, that guy is either only into Asian girls or he sees my friends or my sister and then it's like I'm not even there. Even when I dress well, as I have been lately, even with my new found confidence in my appearance, I never get the attention from the guys I want. It's very weird and very very hurtful.
Now I'm not a petty bitch, so I don't blame my friends or family. I know it's me. Something about me isn't right. Somehow, even in makeup and a skirt, I look or feel just not like the kind of girl a guy wants to flirt with. So I retreat into my head. I daydream about me being this different person. I make all of the hurt embarrassment go away with a dream. In my head I'm exactly who I want to be and who other people want. How do I make this a reality?
I have to stop trying so hard.
I think about every detail. I've been trying to change my style, work on my hair, wear different make up. I'm never going to be these other girls. But I'm also something else entirely. I'm never shadowed in any other situation except men. I'm never known as so and so's girlfriend. No one ever avoids me because I don't look approachable. No one just assumes that I'll do anything with them. No one tries to use me. I'm Sam. I'm known by name and by personality. People don't associate me with how I look. They know me as the linguistics major, as the girl who speaks Korean really well, as the friendly/funny/nice/etc etc girl. I should never take this for granted! It's okay to explore my femininity and to make myself feel good about my appearance. And yes I should accept the fact that in bars or on the street, I'm not going to be someone guys find attractive or see as a woman. But I will always be known for who I actually am, which is exactly what I want. I can't forget that. It's nice to be called pretty, and I do get called pretty! BUT IT DOES NOT DEFINE ME, and I should be thankful for that.
So there's my rant about confidence. Meanwhile, I have some chemistry to study up on and my Korean has fallen way behind! I'll get right on that....after one more episode of Misfits.
~Sam
