Still Freaking Out a Little

Four days until I move into my apartment for the 2014-2015 school year at OSU. I'm weirdly excited! Now that I've felt that feeling of being abroad and traveling, I feel like my mind is very focused. More so than it was before at least. I don't need to daydream as much. I'm finding pleasure in reading Food&Wine magazine and reading a novel by Rachel Friedman called "The Good Girl's Guide to Getting Lost." I don't need to watch tv as much. And more importantly, I'm very excited to start working towards something again.

I think while I was in Korea so long, it was easy to forget how lucky I was. I was abroad for so long that it was hard to work towards anything. But now that I'm back, I've got so much to do that it's starting to freak me out a little. I have two years to complete a thesis, to save enough money for a wedding in England and a plane ticket to Korea, to get a TESOL certification or at least apply for jobs in Korea, to finish two majors and learn enough Korean to be happy and conversational when I'm back in Korea, and then I need to keep up a social life and fuel my new found social butterfly spirit.

I loved how confident I have gotten, but I can feel it slipping away. I need to hold on for dear life because I refuse to be that mousy version of myself again.

Anyway, I'll add more stories from Korea and Mexico later. Little flashbacks~

Coming Back

The weirdest part about spending time abroad is coming back to your old life and not being sure which version of yourself was the real one.

There's the little things like, in Ohio I drank coffee with too much milk and sugar, so much so that it was more like coffee flavored sweet milk. But in Mexico, every morning I was drinking straight coffee with just a little bit of creamer, enjoying the start coffee flavor. Now I'm back in Ohio, and I don't know which cup of coffee I want because so far nothing tastes quite right.

Then there's the bigger things like productivity levels. In Ohio, I spend nearly 100% of my time in my head, dreaming of being somewhere else, of being someone else, and then for a solid 11 months I was loving who I actually was. I talked to friends and made memories instead of just dreaming up fantastic moments. I was truly living. Now I'm back in Ohio, and I have no one to talk to, no where to go, and no drive to be active and present.

I wanted to bring that person from Korea and Mexico back with me to Ohio, but it's hard to when the bars are full of creepy old people, my only friends are my mom and cousin, and I'm stranded in a place with nothing of interest within walking distance. I don't know which version I am right now and it sucks. I want to be that girl in Mexico who did crazy things and enjoyed them., danced in bars and didn't care whether or not she was wearing makeup. I want to be that girl in Korea who was interesting and attracted people to her, was there for those who needed her, and was generally curious about other peoples' views on life.

The weirdest part is that I don't feel like I belong in the place where I was born and raised.

Spanish Database

It turns out I am freakishly good at Spanish. I don't mean this in a braggy sort of way. I'm actually very confused and amazed myself at how well I'm picking this language up.... My first day of high school, I distinctly remember sitting in my councilor's office being asked which foreign language I would like to choose: Spanish, French, or Latin? Without hesitation I chose Latin because everyone chose Spanish or French. I didn't want to be like everyone else. I mean I'm glad I did because it changed my life. Because of Latin I went into languages and linguistics. But still maybe some Spanish classes would have been good.

Over the years though, through four years of Latin, one year of French, one quarter of Portuguese, and just general life, I have accumulated an oddly large amount of vocabulary, phonology, and grammar. While I was in LA with Totoi (June 25-27 or 28?) I would think of a word and ask if I was right.

"Playa is beach right? Pelota is ball?" And I even just knew phrases.

Totoi would be surprised and be like "how do you know that?!" I have no idea. So we labeled it the Spanish Database: my vast but random knowledge of this language just stored somewhere in the back of my mind. I'm not complaining though. The sooner I become conversational the better.

I'm on my fifth day here in Ensenada, Mexico and I can't tell you how many times people have been surprised and said my pronunciation is very very good. I've literally been mistaken for Mexican with just my small number of phrases. I sound so natural for some really crazy reason.... And I'm absorbing words and grammar absurdly fast! In Korea, there was no chance of me being mistaken for a native, but here if I learn Spanish I could blend in so well!!! I love it! Also I love Latino boys.... There are so many attractive guys and the language adds 20 points!

Anyway. I'm going to add some posts out of order, but I'll include a date and timeline of when they actually occurred.

Travel Writing and Inspiration

My time here in Korea is slowly counting down. I leave in 5 days! I realize I have not blogged much, but sometimes it just takes me a while to wrap my mind around my experiences and then concentrate long enough to type them out. However, I think I'm going to keep this blog open for all of my language and travel plans and experiences still yet to come. I'll be in Mexico in 8 or 9 days, and then maybe for New Years I'll be in San Diego. And there are so many more places to go.

I need to come back to Korea. I'm making a break through with Korean! I got some inspiration from a night spend with friends in Hongdae. My lovely friends Totoi and Dazha took me and my friend from Germany, Sabrina, as well as a Korean named TJ and a Chinese guy named Bill to meet their friend Taeyang. They had met here over winter break in Hongdae because she had heard them speaking Spanish and wanted to test out her own skills. I actually met her that night too, but it was after many tequila shots and a lot of soju/beer.... Anyway, this time she brought her boyfriend, Oscar, with her to meet all of us. Oscar is from Spain, and the two of them looked absolutely gorgeous together! We smoked hookah, drank a lot of tequila, and danced all night until it was time for us to get breakfast (at Taco Bell) and catch a train back to Shinchang.

What was amazing about this experience was that I was the only native English speaker there, and yet everyone was speaking English. This was because there were so many languages represented in our group but still! Much like last Christmas when I realized all of my friends were bilingual except me, I felt a push. I want to be bilingual. I want to have conversations in Korean.

I actually can right now. After that experience and seeing Eunhyuk from Super Junior at the Dream Concert, I have pretty much only watched things in Korean. In just two weeks my confidence in my speaking abilities has skyrocketed. I speak to the ladies in restaurants so easily now, and last night I spoke a lot of Korean. I can carry on conversations, but not very deep ones. Not conversations about philosophy and dreams and life.

So I will keep practicing! And I will come back to Korea in 2 years to teach English and learn Korean. There are many places I want to go, but I've put so much time into Korean... I think I could see myself living there for a very long time. Only time will tell.

Every-day Life

I have a sort of strange fascination with the concept of every-day life. It's very contradicting really, or maybe it makes a little sense. My biggest goal in life has always been to have an extraordinary life. I remember in middle school, we sat in the library to listen to a guest speaker talk about her life and travels. I can't remember her name or why we were listening to her, but I vividly remember looking at this 80 year-old woman and thinking about how amazing her life had been and how I want mine to be like that too. She had brought this enormous pine-cone that she had found in some forest somewhere. At that time I decided that I didn't care if I ever got married or had kids or owned a big house. I wanted to see places, live in my perfect city, and have a job that involved freedom and excitement!

I think it's maybe because I grew up in very small towns in Ohio. And for a good portion of my life, I didn't have either excitement or contentment. I felt kind of trapped. Money was very tight, everyone around me was unhappy, and there was nothing to do but daydream and join school clubs. College has turned me into a completely different person, and I've accomplished a lot. I've been flying to the top. Columbus is amazing compared to tiny towns like Lancaster and Circleville, and I love my school. I love my major. And now I'm in South Korea with loads of summer travel plans. Now I'm busy thinking about which country I'm going to be teaching English in after I graduate, and should I go to Boston or Chicago or Toronto or London for graduate school? I have freedom, and I have plans, and my life is going to be very exciting.

But as I mentioned, I do love every-day scenarios, maybe because I'm not sure if I'll ever have it. I love coffee cups because they make me think of small cafes that I might go to every day on my way to work. I like looking out the window to see damp trees and streets after it rains. Yesterday I was sitting in a restaurant with friends, and suddenly I was just hit with this really cozy in-the-moment feelings. Suddenly I was hyper-aware of my surroundings. There were old movie posters on the walls, and steam was rising from the grill on every table. There was a baseball game on behind me, and in front of me I could see out the open doors of the one room restaurant. Fans were whirring to keep the place from being a sauna. The table across from us had three middle aged Korean men, and they raised their beer glasses in some sort of toast. All around people were eating and talking and dishes clinked and meat fried. It wasn't too loud, but it wasn't quiet at all. For a good 10 minutes, it was the most fascinating thing I could experience.

I'm always in my head. I'm thinking, or I'm daydreaming, or I'm talking or listening. It isn't very often that I look up and really live those moments of ordering a coffee or walking down the street. I dream about those moments though! I keep imagining my future apartment, and the first thing I think about are the dishes that I'm going to have. There was this scene in this old Australian soap opera I watched. The girl was just jogging down her usual path. That's it. And I still think about it. Having an every day routine that I choose and makes me feel comfortable. Gilmore Girls was my favorite show for so long because something was so interesting about so much drama in such a small town. And all winter I kept thinking about how I'll probably end up moving someplace warm, like California or Australia, but now that it's getting warm, I know that I love having four seasons. I can see myself in Europe or the East coast.

This traveler path is going to make me lonely, but I think it also will help me truly love my every-day life when I do finally settle down in a city with maybe a family....definitely at least a dog.

Jeju!!

About an hour after my last post, there was finally a success! Turns out knowing Koreans is awesome. We couldn't use OUR bank cards because of the bank we were going through, but our friend Umi could use her card. She didn't have enough money on her card at the time, and we were worried that we would lose our good deal if we left it too long, but it turns out that you can deposit cash through ATMs in Korea! So Totoi, Dazha, and I all took out the 72,000 won (about $72) that ROUND TRIP TICKETS would cost, and then Umi immediately deposited that cash onto her own card and then bought the tickets for us. Yay! And we got to pick our seats, so on the way there and back the three of us get to sit next to each other for the like 40 minute flight. I'm very excited!

I'll be in Jeju June 16-19, and then on June 25th I'll be flying to LA with Totoi. Then her mom is going to pick us up and drive us down to Mexico! Then I'll meet up with Dazha and Francisco for a couple weeks before possibly flying to Florida to see my little sister again. Then it's one very long road trip from Florida to Ohio again. And I have to move into my apartment again.... But this is going to be the best year I've had yet: Korea, an island, Mexico, and Florida~

Why is this so difficult?

I'm sitting here with Totoi and Dazha, my two Mexican lady friends that I've come to know in my months here in Korea, trying to buy tickets to Jeju Island despite the recent tragic event, and it has been the biggest pain in the ass ever. Our cards are ridiculously secure to the point of not even being usable online, and Korea loves Internet Explorer, which keeps crashing on my computer. And the site is absolutely terrible. It is inconvenient and closes down after 10 minutes of inactivity. Sigh.

But it will be worth it.......hopefully..... I mean it's an island in the summer right? Oh this had better be worth it....

Cute Translations

This is just a cute little fluff post since it's been a while and since well I haven't written anything about language yet. Now in my third year of learning this language, I'm starting to like it again. For none language learners, here's a quick explaination:

When you really attempt to learn a foreign language, there are definite phases that you go through. When you first start, you are literally in love with it. Each sound is delicious and new. You love trying to get it just right, almost hearing yourself as a native speaker in your dreams. You learn knew words and grammars like a starving person. When you drink, you speak it even if no one around you knows the language. It's amazing. It's great. It's okay.
      It's a little difficult.
          Why can't I remember that word?
               Why would this language say it this way?
                    Are you serious, that doesn't even sound like a word.
                         Now that's just a stupid rule. Why can't I just say it like in English?
                              They sound so annoying when they talk oh my god I can't stand the sound anymore!
                                   ANOTHER IRREGULAR?! THIS LANGUAGE IS ILLOGICAL!

Eh that might be exaggerating a bit, but seriously everyone starts hating it a little bit. It's because it's hard. It's hard giving up your own hard earned rules and sounds, and once the mystery is gone all that's left is the hard work of practice and memorization. That was my sophomore year.

Now as a junior, I'm in phase three: the whole new appreciation phase. It helps that I'm in Korea, learning Korean, but this stage happens when you've worked on a language for long enough. Now I know enough Korean to sound damn good when I'm drunk. I understand stories, and I sit through 4-6 hours of class every day taught solely in Korean. I live with Koreans. And so now that the sounds, the grammar, and many useful words are drilled into my mind, I can actually appreciate it a little more. I'm remembering vocab more easily, and now I can hear the parts of my pronunciation that need work. But most importantly, I can now see some of the awesome things about the Korean language.

Setting aside the obvious fact that the Korean alphabet (Hangul) is one of the most amazing alphabets ever, Korean also has a knack of creating new words from old ones.

For example, in English, we call the uppermost bed of bunkbeds the "top bunk." Eh. Not exciting. In Korean it's called "이층 침데" which means "second floor bed."

.........That's adorable!!!!!! Screw calling it a "top bunk" when you can call it a "second floor bed!"

And what about those things swimmers wear to protect their eyes? In English, "goggles." But in Korean, "물안경" which translates to "water glasses!" Awww!

One more. In English, "fish," but in Korean, "물고기," "water meat."

So yeah I'm in stage three. It's just a pity that I'm going to be leaving soon, right when I started to feel at home here and really feel myself gaining progress. I think I'll come back here to teach for a while. Outside of the classroom I'll speak nothing but Korean. I think I'll truly be a master one day!

-Sam

Confidence

This is not a post about Korea or linguistics or studying abroad. This is a personal post. Blasphemy, I know. Who actually blogs about their thoughts or problems? Anyway, I've been having a bit of an issue lately... Actually it is more like I've become aware of an issue that I've been having for a long time (i.e. my life so far). In this post I'm going to talk about confidence but through my own life and experience. By confidence, I don't exactly mean not being afraid to walk down the street naked, nor do I mean being sure that I'll pass an exam.

My mom and my sister are both very beautiful people. My mom is so tiny and has naturally tan skin and a skinny but pretty face. My sister is tall and knows how to wear clothes and carry herself and has the prettiest smile. Both of them have confidence that I lack. They have a confidence that it wont take "the right kind of guy" to find them beautiful, and when I walk down the street with them it's like I've become invisible. When I'm with my beautiful, redheaded friend from OSU, I feel the same way. It's like I disappear beside her. Now I have a friend here in Korea with this natural Latina beauty. She has this perfect style, weight, and way of talking.

It has always been an issue that when I like a guy, even at a glance or just a passing by sort of thing, that guy is either only into Asian girls or he sees my friends or my sister and then it's like I'm not even there. Even when I dress well, as I have been lately, even with my new found confidence in my appearance, I never get the attention from the guys I want. It's very weird and very very hurtful.

Now I'm not a petty bitch, so I don't blame my friends or family. I know it's me. Something about me isn't right. Somehow, even in makeup and a skirt, I look or feel just not like the kind of girl a guy wants to flirt with. So I retreat into my head. I daydream about me being this different person. I make all of the hurt embarrassment go away with a dream. In my head I'm exactly who I want to be and who other people want. How do I make this a reality?

I have to stop trying so hard.

I think about every detail. I've been trying to change my style, work on my hair, wear different make up. I'm never going to be these other girls. But I'm also something else entirely. I'm never shadowed in any other situation except men. I'm never known as so and so's girlfriend. No one ever avoids me because I don't look approachable. No one just assumes that I'll do anything with them. No one tries to use me. I'm Sam. I'm known by name and by personality. People don't associate me with how I look. They know me as the linguistics major, as the girl who speaks Korean really well, as the friendly/funny/nice/etc etc girl. I should never take this for granted! It's okay to explore my femininity and to make myself feel good about my appearance. And yes I should accept the fact that in bars or on the street, I'm not going to be someone guys find attractive or see as a woman. But I will always be known for who I actually am, which is exactly what I want. I can't forget that. It's nice to be called pretty, and I do get called pretty! BUT IT DOES NOT DEFINE ME, and I should be thankful for that.

So there's my rant about confidence. Meanwhile, I have some chemistry to study up on and my Korean has fallen way behind! I'll get right on that....after one more episode of Misfits.

~Sam

Who do I want to be?

I feel no shame that I got this title from MTV's Awkward. It's a great show okay? And an even better question. I've never been one to accept that people are who they are and can't change. Change is difficult, but it can be done. With the right amount of will power and self-awareness, you can become whoever you want to be. I've been working on this for the past couple years now. The image keeps building and changing as I learn more about life, but I think it's good.

So anyway, I adore this question. Who do I want to be? Not what job do I want because that doesn't have to define me like I used to think it did. My job will be a reflection of my values and skills but not of me as an entire being. Who do I want to be as a person? Here's a list with some things already achieved and some still there to be accomplished:

I want to be somebody.....

.....who isn't afraid to make mistakes by learns from them. I'm a perfectionist in a scary way. I can't handle failure very well. I lost a kid at camp and even though I knew she was safe I had a panic attack because I hated that I had failed at keeping them all together. I want to let myself make some mistakes here and there, but instead of beating myself up over them, I need to embrace them and learn from them.

.....who does something even if she's scared. In Game of Thrones one of my favorite quotes (well sort of more like paraphrase) is "you can only be brave when you're afraid." This resonated with me. Sure it's easy when you have a sure outcome, but when you're scared and you make yourself take that first step, that's when you're truly being brave and that's who I want to be. I don't want to be the one that everyone has to turn back around for because I couldn't keep going. I want to bite my tongue and push on like ...like I don't know someone brave. Like Arya! Or some other warrior! Break the rules when it feels right and don't fear the outcome so much. Be brave! Have courage!

.....who doesn't judge others. I have a bad habit of this. I worked so hard to get where I am, but I also had a few gifts. I'm lucky my mind works so well, and I'm lucky to have people to support me in a tough spot. So it is very horrible of me to judge someone. I don't know their life and I don't know their struggle. I can only know myself and my own capabilities, and I should do the best I can to keep an open mind.

.....who never lets her sight be clouded by negativity, jealousy, or pity. These are all human emotions that happen, but sometimes the negativity just poisons the mind and creates a permanent state of bitterness and cruelty. I don't want that. I want to be able to bounce back from the dark places I go and come back to enjoying the light again.

.....who trusts people. I have trust issues for sure. I would like to be able to give people, and myself, the benefit of the doubt every once in a while.

.....who has the confidence to be herself. I'm tired of being so insecure and comparing myself to other girls. I'm me, and there are certain qualities that I may not have but I definitely make up for. I have to be able to stop slouching, stop doubting, start speaking and dancing on my own.

.....who doesn't ever forget just how amazing or lucky she is and is thankful for it every day.

.....who lives her own adventure and doesn't stop dreaming EVER.

These are just a couple things off the top of my head, but I hope I can achieve them and more in my life.

My Most Important Lesson Learned in Korea

I've been abroad going on maybe 6 months now? South Korea has definitely been an experience, and while here I've definitely been learning some things. From my friends, I'm learning how to live. Before I got here, my main obsession was to not mess up, to be perfect. Other people could mess up but because my family has a history for failure, I did not have the same luxury. But being here and meeting some of the people I've met, I feel more relaxed and have been paying more attention to the normal life things like fashion and friends and drinking. From Korea itself, I'm learning to be more patient and accepting. Maybe I don't want to live here forever, but I'm going to learn all I can from this place.

But the most important lesson (personally at least) is that I don't want to be stuck. I've been racking my brain, as we all do, trying to think of that one job I want to do for the rest of my life. And it has been difficult, especially since I'm going to have a lot of debt to pay back. While I've been here, I've come to this realization that I can do so many things as long as I stay on top of paperwork and applications. Maybe I want to do research and maybe I don't. I think this final thesis will help me decide that. But just the thought of seeing as many places as possible is so exciting to me now. Because it's real now! I'm in Korea! I'm abroad! 

So I want to check out TEFL courses. I want to get multiple Masters degrees instead of one PhD that I'm not going to use because I already knew that I didn't want to be a professor my whole life. I want to teach English while paying off my student debt. I want to try my hand at writing the occasional article or two or giving presentations here and there. I want to inspire myself so that I can inspire others. One day I'll find a place and time where I'll decide it's about time to set up a permanent residence, but that does not have to be anytime soon. I have years ahead unless I die young. But in that case, shouldn't I die doing as much as possible or in a beautiful new place? I don't want to die in my safe but insufferable job or in my plain American apartment, trapped by debt and responsibilities. I'll pay my dues while seeing the world. This is my most important lesson learned in Korea: my future is not set in stone or some straight line and it can be whatever I want it to be.