I leave tomorrow. I know it's a big change and definitely a stressful situation (since I'm traveling alone), but I honestly didn't think that I would be this nervous. I've been tossing and turning in my sleep the past few days, and I woke up this morning feeling pretty sick to my stomach. I keep panicking when I think I might forget something important, like my passport or my transcript which hasn't come in the mail yet.
I think what is the most surprising to me though is that it's not like I don't want to go abroad. This is my dream! I want to travel, see the world, gain some perspective, meet new people. I don't understand why I'm this nervous. I'm hoping that it's just the fact that it is my first time. I mean my first plane ride is going to be across the country and then to the other side of he world with 2 layovers. Little things are starting to seem big. For example, I'm terrified that my plane ticket was too cheap. Like I'm going to go to check in, and it will turn out that the plane is full and my seat doesn't exist. Or I'm scared that security is going to be impossible to navigate. What if my luggage is overweight? I don't know what else I can take out of it.... And what if I get completely turned around and miss my flight? And pick pockets! What if I get robbed?! I guess I should try to remember some of my jiu-jitsu....I am definitely joining that club again when I get back to the US!
Silly fears like this sound like my grandma in my head. Growing up that used to drive me insane!
Why would you drink that Japanese tea? For all you know it could be drugs.
Don't get married in Korea! You wont be allowed to come back!
If they aren't speaking English, how do you know what they're planning? They could be planning to rob the store and you wouldn't know.
I always found stuff like that so incredibly annoying. And I have all of these big dreams of all of the places I want to go and see! I'm just going to chalk it up to being first timer nervousness....
I'm also a tad scared for my psyche. I'm not as strong or confident as I would like to be. This last semester and summer have been tremendous in terms of figuring out who I am as a person and who I want to be. I prefer the saying, "Life is about endlessly creating yourself" rather than finding yourself. I don't think we have to just accept that we are just how we are, and we can never change. I think that's a copout. It's hard. It's a massive amount of self-reflection and control and yeah, obsession, but I think it pays off.
When I was a freshman, I was excited to just "be myself," but I couldn't figure out why I felt so....unhappy all the time. I whined all the time about not being girly enough. I felt invisible. I felt annoying. I felt immature. But I was just being myself! People should have just accepted me, and I should have just been confident in being a whiny, self-obsessed, controlling, terrible friend. Yeah no. It took all of sophomore year and this past summer, as well as an amazing group of people, to get me where I am now, and I still believe there's more to improve on. When I met this group of people, I was basically alone. The friends I had made freshman year were going through the same changes I was, so I spent a lot of time with myself. And I was not a fan of what I was seeing.
Everyone in this group was legitimately interested in getting to know me. When I met one of them, I shall dub him.....Nice Jock, I legitimately thought he was making fun of me. He asked me so many questions, and I wasn't used to having a conversation with someone where I didn't have to interject just to bring it back to me from time to time. But yes everyone in the group hasn't gotten to know me and no one has stopped inviting to group meetings. One girl, now dubbed.....Happy Clam, actually drove 45 minutes just to come see me before I leave! (And she brought me a beautiful purse from Peru which I now cherish.) I've learned to ask more questions, and be more interested in other peoples' lives because it is such a great feeling when you walk away from a conversation knowing that they were really listening and interested in you as a person! I feel more accepting of the fact that I am a total nerd, but it's not a bad thing. And I have a quirky, sometimes awkward look, but it's my look, and no one else has it. I feel so much more confident in myself after meeting them, and when you're confident in yourself it becomes so much easier to form real relationships and bonds with people.
My hope is that Korea doesn't take this new found confidence away from me. I want to expand my horizons and learn from this new experience, but I don't want to break under the pressure to be "Korea pretty." Because I will never be "Korea pretty." I will never be stick thin and delicate and cutesy. I will never willingly walk behind a guy because "that's how it is." I don't want to start doubting myself again in that way. So if I start doing that in these posts, please yell at me.
Wow I've rambled.... I think I'll leave it be now. Next post will be about the flight adventure!
Cheers, Sam~
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